Awesome Things #7

Peanut Butter

When I peel the top off a new jar of peanut butter I like to pretend I’m a scientist peering through the world’s most powerful telescope, catching Earth’s first glimpse of a new, strange and distant planet. “It’s got a smooth surface,” I exclaim to the lab of giddy professors standing breathlessly beside me. “Yes, it’s a beautiful airless landscape, untouched, undisturbed, and light brown.”

Because seriously, that’s what the top of a jar of peanut butter looks like to me. I almost feel bad thinking about what I’m about to do, because it’s just so perfect, smooth, and dense. But I put some bread in the toaster anyway, grab a spoon from the drawer, and then go right ahead and dig that spoon in there deep, catching a heavy handful of thick PB when I pull up, a loud, wet, satisfying schthlop plopping out of the jar.

It’s a great feeling.

After that, I’m an artist. I can just leave a big, gaping hole right in the middle of the jar, or I can do it all up real fancy and twirl and swirl it around a little, or I can painstakingly carve a moat around the outside of the jar, leaving a perfect, flat island in the middle, becoming more and more unstable with every passing day. The options are unlimited.

Really, I think getting the first dig in a jar of peanut butter is the kitchen equivalent of stabbing a flag into the moon and claiming it as your own. I mean, you mark that peanut butter. You brand it. You add your little stamp and you put it back in the pantry, ready and waiting for the next big schthlop.

www.twitter.com/mistertombola

Awesome Things #6

Eating Cookies Like The Cookie Monster

It sure is a sign of gluttonous satisfaction when you find yourself home alone, slouching on the couch in front of the TV with your eyes half open, a steady trail of cookie crumbs dripping from your mouth onto your shirt and pants, chocolate smears on your lips and fingers, and the telltale cookie package laying beside you, the plastic tray peeled all the way out of the bag, entire rows laying vacant except for a bit of brown dust and maybe a rogue chocolate chip or two.

Yes, it’s satisfying all right, because many delicious cookies were eaten, without witnesses, in a very quick and steady stream, by shoving them into your mouth, chewing a few times, and then swallowing quickly to make room for the next one. You’re a cookie monster and you love it.

Eating cookies like Cookie Monster is great because, more than anything, it represents freedom. Yes, free thought takes you to the pantry, free will makes you grab that cookie package and sit down on the couch, and free Wonder Years reruns keep you company while you sit down and enjoy. You’re the Executive Chef in your personal Dessert Kitchen here. Just tell me that’s not liberating.

I mean, sure, we all know it’s not the greatest idea to eat a pile of cookies just before bed, but that’s not the point. The point is: you can do it. Yes, you’ve come a long way from the portion-controlled cookie snacks you got when you were a kid, that maybe two or three cookies in a small plate with a tall glass of milk that just whet your appetite for more. Now it’s all you all the time, baby. Nobody is going to stop you except you. You can eat a whole row. You can eat two whole rows. You can plough them in there. You can savor them slowly. The point is, it’s such a great feeling to scarf cookies without abandon like Cookie Monster.

Truly, he was the role model for us all.

www.twitter.com/mistertombola

Awesome Things #5

Rain Hair

You know when you get caught in the rain and your amazing hairdo turns into a wet, frizzy mess? Well, I say that’s a good thing. Because hear me out.

Let’s talk about how much time, money, and effort we put into the managing and upkeep of our golden locks of dead skin cells. How about a lot? Now, don’t get me wrong, I play the game too. I wash my hair, condition it up, gel it up, shake it up. I prepare it for the day and check in periodically to see how it’s doing. Any rogue locks, fallen bangs? What’s new in the slowly-going-bald corners? And how’s that back-of-the-neck beard coming in this month? I spend way too much time on it. And my hair looks like a squirrel that’s been run over on the road for a few weeks.

Our pals over at Wikipedia make hair sound like the Sun or fresh water, saying in their snooty tone that head hair has ‘gained an important significance in nearly all present societies as well as any given historical period throughout the world.’ But then again, those eggheads can make anything sound pretty serious. It’s just hair, after all.

I say maybe the army got it right when they instituted crew cuts after World War I trench warfare gave everyone lice and fleas. Maybe there’s something to be said about the no-maintenance plan, the low-maintenance plan, or the no-plan at all. Because whenever I walk by someone with hair just flying everywhere, all unkempt and full of knots, dirty dreads, and dead leaves, I get jealous for a second. Think of the free time they have! I mean, sure, they stick out. But… what if we all got in the game? Then maybe we’ve got something. Then maybe everyone’s garden would look immaculate, the gyms would get really crowded, and the libraries would run out of books. You’d just have to put up with all these shaggy, scraggly sasquatches walking around, that’s all.

And that’s what I kind of like about rain hair. It’s a temporary escape from the Hair Prison we live in. When everyone shows up at the movies or mall with the wet and frizzy flyaways, the hair matted to their foreheads, and the hair spray dripping and stinging their eyes, it’s like yeah, we all look like a mess. But the rain sure does wash away expectations, too.

www.twitter.com/mistertombola

Awesome Things #4

Batteries Included

I’m the Robin Hood of batteries.

Since I am a very cheap person I always rob from the rich, battery-filled remotes on my couch and give to the poor new gadgets laying on my counter. I stumble around Sherwood Living Room, clicking open plastic battery doors, hunting for dependable double-As to get the job done.

Of course, this battery robbery always backfires next time I sit down to watch a flick. I plop onto the couch and pick up the lighter-than-usual remote and then curse my former self for screwing my current self. Then the camera pans to another scene of me stumbling around again, this time battery-jacking the poor so I can feed the rich.

It’s a terrible, neverending cycle.

That’s what makes it special when batteries are included. That’s what makes it special when when you yank open the new Baby Farts-So-Real and there’s a small, plastic-wrapped case of cheapo batteries from the Taiwanese black market sitting in the box.

Sure, sure, maybe those knockoff Ultra-Power or Extra-V Vvoltage batteries don’t inspire the most confidence, but whatever man, because surprise batteries are a big win every time.

It’s like the company is saying “Come on, let’s get going, people.”

“First round’s on us!"

www.twitter.com/mistertombola

Awesome Things #3

Flipping The Pillow

Have you ever found yourself laying in bed wide awake in the middle of the night?

You know how it is: the clock’s clicking past 1:30 AM and you lay there wide awake, eyes bugged open, chewing your upper lip, tapping the sheets with your fingers, completely frustrated. Your pupils have long adjusted to the dark, so your eyes are darting around the room over and over, trying to identify dark shapes or watching the moonlight shadowdance around the walls. Maybe your thoughts won’t settle down, or you just can’t get comfortable, or you ate spicy food before bed, or you have a presentation the next morning, or maybe it’s just the frustration itself keeping you in a terrible, neverending cycle of sleeplessness.

So you play dead and try to remain motionless as long as possible. You change positions back and forth, side to side, left to right. You get up and go to the bathroom or start reading a book. Maybe you try and remake the bed, since by now you’ve probably managed to twist your sheets and blankets into a completely unusable, tightly wound pile barely covering your legs.

On nights like this, where you just can’t sleep, one of the greatest things invented is simply Turning Over The Pillow. Yes, flipping over your pillow and checking out the other side takes Bed Comfort up a few notches and is a simple and easy way to help you relax and get more comfortable.

The other side of the pillow, folks. Because it’s flat when you’re sagging, fresh when you’re stale, and cold when you’re hot, baby.

www.twitter.com/mistertombola

Awesome Things #2

Pouring The Perfect Drink

Pouring a cold fizzy drink or beer into a glass sure can be a stressful job.

Yes, all eyes are watching as you attempt a Hot Spotlight Pour late at night, surrounded by thirsty people, empty glasses, and focused, judging eyes.

You could get sloppy and cause a Bubbly Volcano to erupt, staring in horror as the drink owner tries to quickly suck up all the carbonated lava spilling over the edge of the glass. Most likely, you’ll end up with a sticky hands, a wet table, and some nasty stinkeye.

Or you could have the opposite problem and pour a Coke No Show. That’s when you cut your pour off early because you’re afraid of the Volcano. It’s understandable, but when the Coke fizz or beer head settles down and leaves only half a glass, well — that’s just embarrassing.

No, the perfect situation is when you pour a drink where the bubbles go right to the top but don’t spill over. It’s an exhilarating rush to see those bubbles just fizz up and up and up and up to the top, and then a massive wave of relief when they calm right back down just in the nick of time!

www.twitter.com/mistertombola

Awesome Things #1

AIR INSTRUMENTS

Oh, there’s more than just guitar.

How many of these other air classics have you pulled off?

1. Air drums. Riding shotgun and nailing solos on the dashboard or cooking dinner and feeling the beats on the kitchen counter, you either go with the My-Fingers-Are-Drumstricks method or the My-Fists-Are-Holding-Air-Drumsticks method. Both sound excellent.

2. Air Keyboard. No Air Resume is complete without some strong Air Keyboard experience. Nail it by squeezing your eyes shut, raising your brows, biting your lip, and swaying back and forth.

3. Air Harmonica. Using sparingly for Bruce Springsteen and Tom Petty songs.

4. Air Cow Bell. If you master Air Cow Bell, be prepared to be invited to all the coolest parties and hottest dances. Bonus points for playing with a giant, open-mouthed smile and wildly bobbing head while being really, really tall.

Yes, rocking out in a state of air-playing bliss is one of life’s great joys. When you’re in the zone there’s a tear in the fabric of space-time and you’re suddenly transported to a sold out Air Stage in front of millions and millions of sweaty screaming Air Fans.

Your big buckets of passion and never-ending supply of energy helps keep our planet spinning, so pump those fists, nail those high notes, and rock on, rock star, rock on!

www.twitter.com/mistertombola

There's A Saint For That #10

Saint Bonaventure, Patron Saint of Bowel Disorders

Bonaventure was a thirteenth-century Franciscan philosopher and cardinal who died suddenly after experiencing intense stomach pains during a church council in France. The cause? Could have been a ruptured bladder. May have been poisoning. Whatever happened, he gets the patronage of gastrointestinal difficulties. Cheers.

(All content: Excerpted from Pocket Guide to Sainthood by Jason Boyett. Copyright © 2009 by John Wiley & Sons, Inc. Reprinted without permission of the publisher, John Wiley & Sons, Inc)

www.twitter.com/mistertombola

There's A Saint For That #9

Saint Fiacre, Patron Saint of Hemorrhoid Sufferers

Fiacre was an Irish saint whose herbal remedies gave him a reputation as a skilled healer, especially in relation to discomfort in unmentionable places. He's also the patron saint of cab drivers. Jokes about the cab driver/hemorrhoids correlation are way too easy, so we'll refrain.

There's A Saint For That #8

Saint Drogo, Patron Saint of Ugly People

Drogo, who suffered some weird affliction while on a pilgrimage, which led to a physical deformity that was so bad he frightened all the townsfolk. "Don't look at me! I'm hideous!" we can imagine him saying. So Drogo walled himself into a cell attached to his church and lived in solitude for the next forty years, to protect the community from his repulsiveness. Feel better, unattractive people!

www.twitter.com/mistertombola

There's A Saint For That #7

Saint Clare of Assissi, Patron Saint of Television

Clare was once too sick to attend mass, but ended up seeing it miraculously displayed in high-def on the walls of her room. She could hear it, too. Now you know who to blame for the invention of reality television.

www.twitter.com/mistertombola

There's A Saint For That #6

Saint Bernard of Mountjoux, Patron Saint of Skiers

Bernard preached the Gospel to the people of the Swiss Alps. He founded a monastery at the highest point of a snow-covered, avalanche-prone pass, which was used by French and German pilgrims passing through on the way to Rome. Bernard and his monks, along with their big, fluffy dogs (yes, that's where St. Bernards get their name), helped travelers who had succumbed to the deep snow and bone-chilling weather.

www.twitter.com/mistertombola

There's A Saint For That #5

Saint Caedwalla of Wessex, Patron Saint of Serial Killers

Caedwalla was a Saxon king who kept expanding his influence by killing off other kings and forcibly taking their kingdoms. The historian Bede tells of Caedwalla going through the countryside "by merciless slaughter." But then he went on a pilgrimage and presumably started to feel bad for all the slaughter. Then he got baptized, after which he died. Which technically makes him the patron saint of remorseful serial killers experiencing deathbed conversions.

www.twitter.com/mistertombola

There's A Saint For That #4

Saint Vitus, Patron Saint of Oversleeping

Vitus was once accused of sorcery and tortured for it by being thrown into boiling oil. He was joined in the scalding oil bath by a rooster, thanks to a belief that sacrificial roosters combated sorcery. The connection to roosters led to a connection with early rising, and the early-rising thing earned him a patronage of people who oversleep. Sounds like someone's trying a little too hard to get a cool patronage.

www.twitter.com/mistertombola

There's A Saint For That #3

Saint Isidore, Patron Saint of the Internet

Isidore, a sixth- and seventh-century bishop who loved learning and placed great value on a broad, open-minded education. He wrote a twenty-volume compendium of "universal knowledge" called Etymologiae—the first known encyclopedia in the medieval world—in addition to works on grammar, astronomy, history and theology. Might as well have called him Wikidore.

www.twitter.com/mistertombola

There's A Saint For That #2

Saint Martin of Tours, Patron Saint of Geese

Martin was about to be named bishop but didn't think he'd do a very good job of it, so he tried to hide in a flock of geese, But the geese, sensing he was up to no good, honked and honked until Martin was discovered. So now, apparently, he protects them. (You are not alone in thinking "Geese? Since when does anyone ever require intercession on behalf of geese?" You're also not alone in wondering what kind of idiot tries to hide in a flock of birds. This patronage? A big honking mystery.)

www.twitter.com/mistertombola

There's A Saint For That #1

Saint Ambrose, Patron Saint of Beekeepers

As a baby, St. Ambrose had a swarm of bees land on his face—not to sting him but to leave a single drop of honey behind as a prophecy about the future power of his preaching. Unfortunately, Ambrose's mom thought it was snot and just wiped it clean with a tissue. Way to ruin a good relic.

www.twitter.com/mistertombola

Heaven

Most of the heavenly biblical account seems to indicate we’ll spend our eternity in a place filled with the presence of God and lit by the dazzling brightness of his glory, a place where sickness has been banished, where sin is absent, where sorrow is no more. It’s a land of healing and eternal bliss and infinite goodness.

We are finite creatures. Knowing how to even begin thinking (or singing) about something infinite is a real problem. So at some point in our cultural history, we set aside the ethereal thinking and approached Heaven from a new angle. This direction was more accessible. We replaced the glory and light and divine presence with stuff borrowed from a 10 year-old girl’s bedroom: puffy white clouds, rainbows, twinkly music and blonde baby angels wearing white robes. We took the most profound idea in Western philosophy and turned it into the lamest place possible.

When it comes to heaven, we Christians have allowed our culture—which includes the Church—to really ruin our thinking about what it is.

www.twitter.com/mistertombola

Chuck Norris

I understand that the kids today love irony and also anything from the ’80s, but Chuck Norris is an insane right wing Republican madman. That means he is opposed to universal health care and pro illegal wars. How is that cool or ironic? That being said he is also a terrible actor (see Walker, Texas Ranger) and a sub-par martial artist. If hipsters and teenagers need to latch onto some moronic icon from a decade they were not even alive during then please, for the love of god, worship Mr. T.

www.twitter.com/mistertombola

Questions

To me, the interesting thing about questions is that, throughout our lives, we flip between asking a lot of them and not inquiring at all. We’ve all seen annoying little kids continually ask, “Why?” and be encouraged by their parents. Then in school it becomes uncool to ask questions in class; and in large college lectures it’s almost impossible. But when job interviews begin, we’re asked, “Do you have any questions?” and we are expected to fire away thoughtfully. Even though at this point in our lives, all most of us want to do is curl up in a little ball and ask the interviewer, “Can I have some juice?”

www.twitter.com/mistertombola