Awesome Things #2

Pouring The Perfect Drink

Pouring a cold fizzy drink or beer into a glass sure can be a stressful job.

Yes, all eyes are watching as you attempt a Hot Spotlight Pour late at night, surrounded by thirsty people, empty glasses, and focused, judging eyes.

You could get sloppy and cause a Bubbly Volcano to erupt, staring in horror as the drink owner tries to quickly suck up all the carbonated lava spilling over the edge of the glass. Most likely, you’ll end up with a sticky hands, a wet table, and some nasty stinkeye.

Or you could have the opposite problem and pour a Coke No Show. That’s when you cut your pour off early because you’re afraid of the Volcano. It’s understandable, but when the Coke fizz or beer head settles down and leaves only half a glass, well — that’s just embarrassing.

No, the perfect situation is when you pour a drink where the bubbles go right to the top but don’t spill over. It’s an exhilarating rush to see those bubbles just fizz up and up and up and up to the top, and then a massive wave of relief when they calm right back down just in the nick of time!

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Awesome Things #1

AIR INSTRUMENTS

Oh, there’s more than just guitar.

How many of these other air classics have you pulled off?

1. Air drums. Riding shotgun and nailing solos on the dashboard or cooking dinner and feeling the beats on the kitchen counter, you either go with the My-Fingers-Are-Drumstricks method or the My-Fists-Are-Holding-Air-Drumsticks method. Both sound excellent.

2. Air Keyboard. No Air Resume is complete without some strong Air Keyboard experience. Nail it by squeezing your eyes shut, raising your brows, biting your lip, and swaying back and forth.

3. Air Harmonica. Using sparingly for Bruce Springsteen and Tom Petty songs.

4. Air Cow Bell. If you master Air Cow Bell, be prepared to be invited to all the coolest parties and hottest dances. Bonus points for playing with a giant, open-mouthed smile and wildly bobbing head while being really, really tall.

Yes, rocking out in a state of air-playing bliss is one of life’s great joys. When you’re in the zone there’s a tear in the fabric of space-time and you’re suddenly transported to a sold out Air Stage in front of millions and millions of sweaty screaming Air Fans.

Your big buckets of passion and never-ending supply of energy helps keep our planet spinning, so pump those fists, nail those high notes, and rock on, rock star, rock on!

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There's A Saint For That #10

Saint Bonaventure, Patron Saint of Bowel Disorders

Bonaventure was a thirteenth-century Franciscan philosopher and cardinal who died suddenly after experiencing intense stomach pains during a church council in France. The cause? Could have been a ruptured bladder. May have been poisoning. Whatever happened, he gets the patronage of gastrointestinal difficulties. Cheers.

(All content: Excerpted from Pocket Guide to Sainthood by Jason Boyett. Copyright © 2009 by John Wiley & Sons, Inc. Reprinted without permission of the publisher, John Wiley & Sons, Inc)

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There's A Saint For That #9

Saint Fiacre, Patron Saint of Hemorrhoid Sufferers

Fiacre was an Irish saint whose herbal remedies gave him a reputation as a skilled healer, especially in relation to discomfort in unmentionable places. He's also the patron saint of cab drivers. Jokes about the cab driver/hemorrhoids correlation are way too easy, so we'll refrain.

There's A Saint For That #8

Saint Drogo, Patron Saint of Ugly People

Drogo, who suffered some weird affliction while on a pilgrimage, which led to a physical deformity that was so bad he frightened all the townsfolk. "Don't look at me! I'm hideous!" we can imagine him saying. So Drogo walled himself into a cell attached to his church and lived in solitude for the next forty years, to protect the community from his repulsiveness. Feel better, unattractive people!

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There's A Saint For That #7

Saint Clare of Assissi, Patron Saint of Television

Clare was once too sick to attend mass, but ended up seeing it miraculously displayed in high-def on the walls of her room. She could hear it, too. Now you know who to blame for the invention of reality television.

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There's A Saint For That #6

Saint Bernard of Mountjoux, Patron Saint of Skiers

Bernard preached the Gospel to the people of the Swiss Alps. He founded a monastery at the highest point of a snow-covered, avalanche-prone pass, which was used by French and German pilgrims passing through on the way to Rome. Bernard and his monks, along with their big, fluffy dogs (yes, that's where St. Bernards get their name), helped travelers who had succumbed to the deep snow and bone-chilling weather.

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